Me? Who? What?
by Beka
(c) 2004
Just who am I and how do I impact this life?
I'm 54 and just now realizing I've never had a real understanding of just me, apart from everyone else and their expectations or interactions. I'm trying to re-make my life, after a lot of illness and changes. I can't do a lot of things I've always defined myself by.
I've come to look at it like this - who do I WANT to be? and who did God make me to be?
I get a chance to start over, in a sense. As my health steadies, I find myself stepping back to re-evaluate everything I've stood for, or struggled for, or espoused to others in the past. At first this was frightening and I felt so lost. But now it's exciting - to not do over things already gone by - to just start again.
Am I an artist? A musician? A writer? What is really in my heart? Am I a person who just loves it all, who shouldn't try to embrace one piece of life's experiences too snugly?
The questions have become fun questions and the journey a happy one. USUALLY!! I still have a lot of pain too frequently. I still deal with too much anxiety and I still can't accomplish what I think I should - but I'm beginning to balance the caring for myself with the being there for others.
I think finally accepting God loves me just like I am, right this minute, no matter what, has made all the difference for me. Stop with the guilt trips, stop with the worry about what is the most "right" and perfect choice every moment, stop with the self-reproach. Stop trying to "sort" my talents/skills/interests. Know that I am God's child and that He looks at me like I do at my small grandchildren - with nothing but love. That He'll guide me with that same love.
I've finally come to understand that God WILL work His Purpose in me, I don't have to go out and MAKE it happen. He will use me His Way, right now, right here. So I can just deal with the moment He has given me. I'm finding when I take time to pay attention to who I am in the moment, and to what my needs and goals are, while trusting His guidance, it all works out! After all, He made me.
If I trust my Father with me before anything or anyone else - well it sometimes seems like selfishness but - it really is selflessness, because being settled with who I am makes me able to be my best for myself which IS my best for God.
Who am I? God's Child.
What am I? God's Child
That's all I really need to understand.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
FAILURE IS REQUIRED
by Beka
(c) 2004
I read a little snippet in the Reader's Digest not long ago that said statistics show every person who is a successful person has a high number of failures behind him. Statistically speaking, every time we fail, we are that much closer to our success!
Of course the statistics measure money success. But it helps me tremendously to consider that when I mess up, at anything, the failed step I took has value. It's brought me closer than before to my success at reaching whatever goal.
I especially like to apply this "getting closer to the goal" thing to my spiritual walk. When I fall, I reach up for God's help. But being human, and stubborn, I let go of His help. Now I'm trying, with this failure t0 success idea, to hold on just a little longer each time than the last time.
For me this is the real key to final success after multiple failures - learning how to not let go of the LORD!!
by Beka
(c) 2004
I read a little snippet in the Reader's Digest not long ago that said statistics show every person who is a successful person has a high number of failures behind him. Statistically speaking, every time we fail, we are that much closer to our success!
Of course the statistics measure money success. But it helps me tremendously to consider that when I mess up, at anything, the failed step I took has value. It's brought me closer than before to my success at reaching whatever goal.
I especially like to apply this "getting closer to the goal" thing to my spiritual walk. When I fall, I reach up for God's help. But being human, and stubborn, I let go of His help. Now I'm trying, with this failure t0 success idea, to hold on just a little longer each time than the last time.
For me this is the real key to final success after multiple failures - learning how to not let go of the LORD!!
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Is it God's Will?
by Beka
(c) 2004
"In the fear of the LORD is strong confidence:
and his children shall have a place of refuge."
Proverbs 14:26 NIV
I have a lot of guilt that I deal with about IF I am doing God's will. Know what I mean?
I'm in a recovery process which apart from a miracle I will be in until I die. But I'm on my way back from the worst, toward better wellness. Before I could get started back, I had to get a few things straight in my mind and heart.
One of these things was to trust God's oversight. I've found if I really trust God, I can move forward in the best of my own thoughtful, careful decision-making. I can TRUST GOD to stop me or turn me if I am going a wrong way.
Thanks to this better trusting, I've been able to step out in several areas of my life where I've always before been fearful. OR in areas where in the past I've been tempted toward an OH WELL, stubborn, or risky attitude, instead of a trusting God attitude.
One day, trying to help a friend with some difficult decisions, I found myself back in my old, negative self-doubting kind of thinking. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I give ungodly advice? Should I just keep my mouth shut? I said to God, "I hope you helped me." Suddenly, in the middle of second-guessing myself, I realized I was questioning GOD's power to help me. HHMMMMMMM
DUH - of course He helped me. I am His. I try to stay close to Him. I try to learn His Word. My heart was right, I was careful and thoughtful before speaking and I remained open to the Holy Spirit. I felt certain I'd not taken a selfish mode, or closed my mind to God's leading. I had ignored no spiritual "nudges". That doesn't mean I did say all the right things but it does mean God was in it.
"Watch your life and doctrine closely.
Persevere in them, because if you do,
you will save both yourself and your hearers."
1 Timothy 4:16 NIV
God rarely puts the "writing on the wall" - does He? If I understand this right, He "leads" through His Word (the Bible), through His Example (Jesus), and through His Essence that abides in me (the Holy Spirit). If I am accepting His Word, His Example and His Spirit in my life, then I have to set aside the fear that I might take a wrong step, because that is NOT trusting Him.
Trusting God is KNOWING that He is there and WILL Protect and Guide my thoughtful stepping out. He'll guide me by "nudging" me spiritually if I am straying. He'll protect me by catching me if I "fall".
It's right for me to analyze my actions or words, but not with an attitude of self-doubt. I should always be double-checking what I am saying or doing, but ONLY with a spirit of openness, learning and obedience. I should always be waiting for, listening for and hearing God's "nudgings" in my life, pursuing God's will for me.
"If a man cleanses himself from the latter (ignoble purposes),
he will be an instrument for noble purposes,
made holy, useful to the Master
and prepared to do any good work."
2 Timothy 2:21 NIV
If I'm pursuing sin, God may have to scream and yell and throw things at me to get my attention! - because He loves me and won't give up on me THAT easily. But, if I'm pursuing HIS WILL, He only has to whisper. I should just Listen with all the faultiness of my ability to listen, and trust Him to work His Will in and through me anyway. I need only to trust Him, while I Walk On.
In the Fear of the Lord is strong confidence.
"As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life
for evil human desires,
but rather for the will of God."
1 Peter 4:2 NIV
by Beka
(c) 2004
"In the fear of the LORD is strong confidence:
and his children shall have a place of refuge."
Proverbs 14:26 NIV
I have a lot of guilt that I deal with about IF I am doing God's will. Know what I mean?
I'm in a recovery process which apart from a miracle I will be in until I die. But I'm on my way back from the worst, toward better wellness. Before I could get started back, I had to get a few things straight in my mind and heart.
One of these things was to trust God's oversight. I've found if I really trust God, I can move forward in the best of my own thoughtful, careful decision-making. I can TRUST GOD to stop me or turn me if I am going a wrong way.
Thanks to this better trusting, I've been able to step out in several areas of my life where I've always before been fearful. OR in areas where in the past I've been tempted toward an OH WELL, stubborn, or risky attitude, instead of a trusting God attitude.
One day, trying to help a friend with some difficult decisions, I found myself back in my old, negative self-doubting kind of thinking. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I give ungodly advice? Should I just keep my mouth shut? I said to God, "I hope you helped me." Suddenly, in the middle of second-guessing myself, I realized I was questioning GOD's power to help me. HHMMMMMMM
DUH - of course He helped me. I am His. I try to stay close to Him. I try to learn His Word. My heart was right, I was careful and thoughtful before speaking and I remained open to the Holy Spirit. I felt certain I'd not taken a selfish mode, or closed my mind to God's leading. I had ignored no spiritual "nudges". That doesn't mean I did say all the right things but it does mean God was in it.
"Watch your life and doctrine closely.
Persevere in them, because if you do,
you will save both yourself and your hearers."
1 Timothy 4:16 NIV
God rarely puts the "writing on the wall" - does He? If I understand this right, He "leads" through His Word (the Bible), through His Example (Jesus), and through His Essence that abides in me (the Holy Spirit). If I am accepting His Word, His Example and His Spirit in my life, then I have to set aside the fear that I might take a wrong step, because that is NOT trusting Him.
Trusting God is KNOWING that He is there and WILL Protect and Guide my thoughtful stepping out. He'll guide me by "nudging" me spiritually if I am straying. He'll protect me by catching me if I "fall".
It's right for me to analyze my actions or words, but not with an attitude of self-doubt. I should always be double-checking what I am saying or doing, but ONLY with a spirit of openness, learning and obedience. I should always be waiting for, listening for and hearing God's "nudgings" in my life, pursuing God's will for me.
"If a man cleanses himself from the latter (ignoble purposes),
he will be an instrument for noble purposes,
made holy, useful to the Master
and prepared to do any good work."
2 Timothy 2:21 NIV
If I'm pursuing sin, God may have to scream and yell and throw things at me to get my attention! - because He loves me and won't give up on me THAT easily. But, if I'm pursuing HIS WILL, He only has to whisper. I should just Listen with all the faultiness of my ability to listen, and trust Him to work His Will in and through me anyway. I need only to trust Him, while I Walk On.
In the Fear of the Lord is strong confidence.
"As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life
for evil human desires,
but rather for the will of God."
1 Peter 4:2 NIV
Friday, March 14, 2008
Where Are The Answers?
Why am I striving?
What am I seeking?
Was I born broken?
Where is the healing?
Maybe it's time to give up the strain?
Maybe it's time to give in to the pain?
My mind in anguish, confusion, dismay,
my body tired, wasting away,
where are the answers? Didn't God say
He'd take care of matters, if I would just pray?
I DID pray! I prayed every day!
I cried and I begged You,
tried to serve You and praise You.
My heart is too empty,
I haven't a clue.
I'm blind, I can't see,
wherever ARE You?
You've left me lonely, despised and betrayed.
Are You out there?
You're for sure far away from my ugly world
where I struggle each day.
If You ARE there I need You to LISTEN!
I'm here for the last time, I can't go on,
my heart is too empty.
There's no more to say,
I can't even think.
Life's gone by in a blink.
In paralysis I lay,
my mind just can't see.
Please Lord, aren't You there?
One last time, are You gone?
I guess it's over, I give up. I give in.
My mind's become blank,
I lay blind in my sorrow.
I have no words left,
I can't think of tomorrow.
“There Is Hope.”
What?
"I'm Here.”
My mouth opens . . .
“No,Be Quiet.
Open Your Ears."
"I've Been Here Beside You,
All The Years.”
But why . . .
“Shhhh,
You Couldn't Hear.”
But, I called You . . .
I begged You to speak!
I've lived in fear . . .
“Be Still"
"You Wouldn't Hear, Loved One.
Nor Would You See.
You've Talked And You've Thought,
And Thought And Talked More.
But It Wasn't With Me."
"My Voice Is Quiet,
Your Mind is Noise.
I've ALWAYS Been Here,
You Are My Child.
It Was By Choice You Shut Out My Voice.”
So how . . .
“You Finally Gave Up. You Finally Gave In.
Your Heart, Ravaged, Was Empty,
Your Mind So Taxed It Quit.
It Was In That Desolate Quiet of Spirit,
You Finally Let Me In.”
I didn't know . . .
“Now You Do.”
* * *
I'm not one to talk,
I haven't conquered my sins.
I've not walked the walk.
But I know Jesus has paid the price,
all I need do is surrender my life.
I hope I can show others in pain,
others as sinful as I,
we've nothing to lose, everything to gain,
if we'll give in to God on high.
So my friend,
give up and give in.
I've found my answer:
let God win.
by Beka
copyright 2008
Why am I striving?
What am I seeking?
Was I born broken?
Where is the healing?
Maybe it's time to give up the strain?
Maybe it's time to give in to the pain?
My mind in anguish, confusion, dismay,
my body tired, wasting away,
where are the answers? Didn't God say
He'd take care of matters, if I would just pray?
I DID pray! I prayed every day!
I cried and I begged You,
tried to serve You and praise You.
My heart is too empty,
I haven't a clue.
I'm blind, I can't see,
wherever ARE You?
You've left me lonely, despised and betrayed.
Are You out there?
You're for sure far away from my ugly world
where I struggle each day.
If You ARE there I need You to LISTEN!
I'm here for the last time, I can't go on,
my heart is too empty.
There's no more to say,
I can't even think.
Life's gone by in a blink.
In paralysis I lay,
my mind just can't see.
Please Lord, aren't You there?
One last time, are You gone?
I guess it's over, I give up. I give in.
My mind's become blank,
I lay blind in my sorrow.
I have no words left,
I can't think of tomorrow.
“There Is Hope.”
What?
"I'm Here.”
My mouth opens . . .
“No,Be Quiet.
Open Your Ears."
"I've Been Here Beside You,
All The Years.”
But why . . .
“Shhhh,
You Couldn't Hear.”
But, I called You . . .
I begged You to speak!
I've lived in fear . . .
“Be Still"
"You Wouldn't Hear, Loved One.
Nor Would You See.
You've Talked And You've Thought,
And Thought And Talked More.
But It Wasn't With Me."
"My Voice Is Quiet,
Your Mind is Noise.
I've ALWAYS Been Here,
You Are My Child.
It Was By Choice You Shut Out My Voice.”
So how . . .
“You Finally Gave Up. You Finally Gave In.
Your Heart, Ravaged, Was Empty,
Your Mind So Taxed It Quit.
It Was In That Desolate Quiet of Spirit,
You Finally Let Me In.”
I didn't know . . .
“Now You Do.”
* * *
I'm not one to talk,
I haven't conquered my sins.
I've not walked the walk.
But I know Jesus has paid the price,
all I need do is surrender my life.
I hope I can show others in pain,
others as sinful as I,
we've nothing to lose, everything to gain,
if we'll give in to God on high.
So my friend,
give up and give in.
I've found my answer:
let God win.
by Beka
copyright 2008
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