Me? Who? What?
by Beka
(c) 2004

Just who am I and how do I impact this life?

I'm 54 and just now realizing I've never had a real understanding of just me, apart from everyone else and their expectations or interactions. I'm trying to re-make my life, after a lot of illness and changes. I can't do a lot of things I've always defined myself by.

I've come to look at it like this - who do I WANT to be? and who did God make me to be?

I get a chance to start over, in a sense. As my health steadies, I find myself stepping back to re-evaluate everything I've stood for, or struggled for, or espoused to others in the past. At first this was frightening and I felt so lost. But now it's exciting - to not do over things already gone by - to just start again.

Am I an artist? A musician? A writer? What is really in my heart? Am I a person who just loves it all, who shouldn't try to embrace one piece of life's experiences too snugly?

The questions have become fun questions and the journey a happy one. USUALLY!! I still have a lot of pain too frequently. I still deal with too much anxiety and I still can't accomplish what I think I should - but I'm beginning to balance the caring for myself with the being there for others.

I think finally accepting God loves me just like I am, right this minute, no matter what, has made all the difference for me. Stop with the guilt trips, stop with the worry about what is the most "right" and perfect choice every moment, stop with the self-reproach. Stop trying to "sort" my talents/skills/interests. Know that I am God's child and that He looks at me like I do at my small grandchildren - with nothing but love. That He'll guide me with that same love.

I've finally come to understand that God WILL work His Purpose in me, I don't have to go out and MAKE it happen. He will use me His Way, right now, right here. So I can just deal with the moment He has given me. I'm finding when I take time to pay attention to who I am in the moment, and to what my needs and goals are, while trusting His guidance, it all works out! After all, He made me.

If I trust my Father with me before anything or anyone else - well it sometimes seems like selfishness but - it really is selflessness, because being settled with who I am makes me able to be my best for myself which IS my best for God.

Who am I? God's Child.
What am I? God's Child
That's all I really need to understand.